


Of Duty, And Love, And Sacrifice

by Romennim



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arthur Knows, Arthur Pendragon Is King, Established Relationship, M/M, POV Male Character, POV Third Person, Translation Available, mention of possible/future infidelity but it doesn't happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-24
Updated: 2013-01-24
Packaged: 2017-11-26 18:53:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/653362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romennim/pseuds/Romennim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"She didn't tell me anything specific, just something like: 'for everything there's a price, Arthur, and consequences. If you decide for this pattern, you'll have your heir, but the price... The consequences... You will regret having this baby, Arthur. That is for certain'. Then she just told me to think well about what I want and what I can sacrifice."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Duty, And Love, And Sacrifice

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Italiano available: [Sul Dovere, L'Amore, E Il Sacrificio](https://archiveofourown.org/works/653374) by [Romennim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romennim/pseuds/Romennim)



> First fiction ever for me in this fandom...  
> Huge thanks to my beta, [](http://1lostone.livejournal.com/profile)[**1lostone**](http://1lostone.livejournal.com/) , who did her work even if this is not her fandom. And thanks also to [](http://rei-hino88.livejournal.com/profile)[**rei_hino88**](http://rei-hino88.livejournal.com/)  and [](http://mkbdiapason.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://mkbdiapason.livejournal.com/)**mkbdiapason**  for their support :) you're awesome

Merlin is sitting, staring absent-mindedly at the fire crackling in the fireplace, when Arthur enters the room.

He stops, back against the closed doors, and sighs.

This has been going on enough already. He can't stand it anymore. It wasn't his idea in the first place, so why is he treated with this painful spectacle every night?

He knew, he _knew_ things would come out like this, even if Merlin has reassured him many times before that they would not.  
But he knows Merlin, has known him for years now, and he has known with utter certainty - yes, he has known since that exact, damned, moment when that foolish idea has left Merlin's mouth - that things would come out just like this: unsettled, shattered, painfully unsaid, hanging between them like a rock and just... Just... Just immensely _painful_.  
Never, never, since their rift about Merlin's magic, when everything, every little secret and deed had come out, they have spoken so little - or at all - to each other. And that isn't acceptable. At all. They are going to do this together or they are not going to do it at all. Everything will be stopped right now.  
Camelot doesn't need this of them, of _him_. It does not. It's his duty, but at this price... At his price, he knows he will lose Merlin sometime in the future. That's sure, like it was sure when he has discovered Merlin's magic, that Merlin was never going to hurt him. Never.  
It has been a sensation, a deep conviction, belief, that nothing could have shaken.

He can already see where this could lead in his future, in his not-so-distant future: yes, Merlin will remain his loyal servant, but something, something meaningful, something important, something _vital_ , will be broken forever. Their trust in each other, their deep and easy relationship will be lost.  
And surely Arthur will be able to go on as King of Camelot, but it will be harder, so much harder, and the toll will show, and his leadership will be forced, and everyone will know, and... And what about...

_No, stop thinking like this. It hasn't happened yet. Not yet. There's still time._

Arthur closes his eyes for a moment, willing all those images, all those predictions, out of his mind. He can't think of trying to reach Merlin, while those thoughts are running in his head. He has to focus on the present.  
He takes a deep breath. He doesn't know why, but situations like this - but this, has this ever happened before? - require more strength of will and character than field battles. In these battles there's too, too much at stake.

With all the calm Arthur can gather after days, _days_ , of silence and estrangement from his lover, he opens his eyes and begins to walk towards him.

He stops behind Merlin.  
Arthur doesn't think he has been particularly silent, but it seems that Merlin hasn't noticed his presence yet. He's still staring at the fire, unseeing.  
Arthur feels as if his heart has been squeezed without mercy.

This is _not_ how things would go from now on. He flatly refuses. He can't accept it.

With his heart pumping, he leans towards Merlin, sliding his arms around the other man's waist and rests his chin on Merlin's shoulder.  
Merlin tenses immediately under his touch. Arthur's heart aches a little more at Merlin's reaction. Are they already at this point?

With his lips brushing lightly Merlin's ear, he whispers what has nagged him for days.

"Merlin" he says softly. "What is it?"

If it's possible, Merlin tenses even more at his words. And in that moment Arthur knows even resolving this will be hard.

"Shouldn't you be somewhere else?" he says, in a low voice, almost breaking. Then, he clears his throat, and, more certain, he adds: "Sire."

The title punches Arthur in the gut. Till now, they have discussed this as a couple, as partners.

_This won't do at all._

Arthur thinks furiously, but he takes a deep breath before going on. Being angry won't resolve anything.  
But he needs to put a little distance between them now. It's not Merlin's fault, nor his, but the anger now is there.  
He frees Merlin of his hold and takes a few steps back, turning towards his bed. _Their_ bed.  
He stares at it a few moments and he feels suddenly lost.

_How am I going to..._

A hand on his shoulder stops his thoughts and he turns around.  
Merlin is in front of him, shoulders a little lowered, his posture the contrary of his usual confidence.  
As soon as Arthur looks at him in the eyes, he drops his gaze and his hand leaves Arthur's shoulder.

The sudden defeat that all those little gestures scream is unbearable.

Instinctively Arthur cups Merlin's face with his hands, urging the other man to look at him.

Merlin's eyes are a pool of sadness, their vibrant blue dimmed beyond recognition.

"What is it, Merlin?"

He repeats. He thinks he knows what the problem is, but Merlin - both of them - need to recognize it out loud. They need to start from there.

Merlin tries to look away from him, but a little caress of Arthur's thumb on his cheek makes him look at him again.  
Now there's also anguish.

"I..." he bits his lower lip. He breathes. "I didn't think you would come here."

His tone is so low it's almost impossible to hear.

Arthur sighs. That's not all, but it's a beginning.

"Why did you think so?"

Merlin's eyes widen, incredulity clear to see.

"You should have gone to Gwen tonight, Arthur, don't try to play dumb."

And suddenly, all his anger at Merlin for suggesting the idea, for saying it's the right thing, for trying to convince him even when he doesn't agree, resurfaces and he pulls away from Merlin. It doesn't matter that a part of him doesn't want to let go of Merlin. He agrees with the part rightfully angry, with the part that barely tolerates Merlin for having put him in this situation, caught between a rock and a hard place.

He can't help what he says next.

"Yes, Merlin, I know where I should be! In her bed, like you wanted!" he exclaims harshly.

Merlin flinches a bit, and lowers his gaze.

"You know I don't want it, Arthur. How can you say that?" he whispers.

Arthur's anger deflates a bit, but doesn't go away. There are almost two weeks of silence and estrangement for which he's angry. A few softly-spoken words won't make the betrayal he still feels go away.

"How can I say it? It was your idea in the first place! I have told you many times before that this is not necessary!"

_That I don't want it._

But he doesn't voice this last part. He feels too vulnerable already to utter that last part.

Merlin's eyes flash for a moment at his words. The fire crackles suddenly more vividly behind him, almost forming an halo around him.  
Arthur can almost sense, feel, _see_ , Merlin's power under his skin, itching to get out.  
And even if he has never been afraid of Merlin's magic, he recognizes these examples of Merlin's uncontrolled and wild magic as worrisome.  
Merlin must be very upset, then.

"I suggested it for you, Arthur! For you and for Camelot!" he says, deadly quiet.

Arthur looks at him intensely and, even if he knows Merlin is telling what he thinks it's true, it hurts all the same.

"I believe you when you say you suggested it for Camelot, Merlin, but it hurts me when you say it's also for me. Considering... Considering what it's doing to..." he takes a breath. "To us." he adds in a whisper.

Merlin's expression softens a bit, but Arthur can see also resolution, a deep determination that he knows it will be difficult to win.

"You need an heir, Arthur. You can't deny that."

Arthur sighs.

"Yes, Merlin, I know. It doesn't mean, though, that I have to go through this to have one."

His tone is firm, but also tired. This matter has gone on for enough time.

Merlin throws him an incredulous look.

"Arthur" he begins with his 'reasonable' voice. How much Arthur hates when he uses that voice. He hasn't been king for a decade to still hear that tone.  
"The alternative is not an option. Not when you haven't tried marrying a woman. Camelot, your people, won't accept it."

Arthur hates to hear this. He knows Merlin could be right, but deep down knows another thing. Something Merlin mustn't have considered.

"You're not seeing the whole picture, Merlin. You didn't stop and thought about the future."

Merlin seems confused now.

"What do you mean?"

And now it's the time to put all the cards on the table.

"You seem to think that the matter is just to sleep with a woman, marry her, have an heir, and everything will be all right, will be as always. For me and for Camelot, right?"

Merlin nods reluctantly, and Arthur can see he's confused about where this speech is going.  
Arthur wants to roll his eyes.

"How much more naive can you be, Merlin, really?"

A pause.

"Nothing will be so simple. No, nothing will ever be the same, Merlin. To think otherwise is totally foolish."

He expects some kind of retort at this, but Merlin just stays silent.  
Maybe he just has to voice some of his earlier predictions.

"These two weeks already show how our relationship will be, Merlin. Strained, hard. Dear God, you haven't talked to me in almost two weeks, dreading this night! Do not tell me things will get better after the deed is done, or after I marry Gwen."

Another pause.

"Do not insult my intelligence saying otherwise. And this... This will show, Merlin. Our problems will influence even our public relationship. Everyone will notice, the nobles, the knights... Ah! I think even the commoners will notice. They're not stupid, Merlin. They will know something has happened."

He pauses again to see if Merlin has something to say, but he seems frozen in place. 

"And then... Then..." here his voice catches, falters. This is the most difficult part, but the essential. "Then you'll decide to leave, Merlin, I know it. You'll think it is your fault, in a way or the other, and you'll leave, thinking that your departure will solve everything, will make everything better."

Merlin now opens his mouth, as if to deny.

Arthur shakes his head.

"You know this will happen, Merlin." he says before Merlin can say something. Then he goes for what he knows will make Merlin listen even more.

"Morgana is worried, Merlin. She hasn't said anything explicit to me about you leaving, but she has told me enough for wanting to stop this."

Merlin seems to be thrown by this.

"But... But two weeks ago she agreed! She said it would be okay!" he almost cries.

At this, Arthur walks closer to Merlin and puts his hands on his shoulders to calm him.  
When the sorcerer looks at him, he speaks again.

"She was talking as an involved party, Merlin. She hadn't had a dream about this till three nights ago. At first she didn't want to talk about it, it was Gwen and Lancelot who came to me to convince her to speak. They were very worried ."

Merlin swallows.

"What did she tell you?"

Arthur looks away a moment. Merlin's eyes are too intense. But then he gathers his courage and locks his gaze with Merlin's.

"She didn't tell me anything specific, just something like: 'for everything there's a price, Arthur, and consequences. If you decide for this pattern, you'll have your heir, but the price... The consequences... You will regret having this baby, Arthur. That is for certain'. Then she just told me to think well about what I want and what I can sacrifice."

He stops talking and the silence of the room is absolute. Even the fire seems silent. Arthur can just hear the blood in his ears, the pumping of his heart.  
Merlin is utterly still looking at him, saying nothing. His mind seems far away.  
Then he takes two steps towards Arthur and leans until his forehead touches Arthur's shoulder.  
His arms slowly encircles Arthur's waist, as if afraid of a rejection.

Arthur has no qualms and embraces Merlin with force. He breathes deeply, Merlin's scent surrounding him. How he has missed this!

They stay silent for they don't know how long, simply existing together.

"So..." Merlin says, voice muffled by the fabric of Arthur's shirt. Arthur can hear the teasing anyway. It makes him smile.  
"There won't be a Prat II, then, running around in the castle."

Arthur knows he should try to find an appropriate reply, but he's just too happy.

"No, there won't be." he says, voice catching in his throat.

He doesn't know why, but that simple recognition fills him of too many emotions... Love and relief most of all.  
Merlin must have sensed how shaken he is, because he pulls away a little, still in his embrace, to look at him.  
He caresses his cheek with a hand.

"I... Arthur, I'm sorry. Really. I shouldn't have..."

Arthur stops him with a kiss, a simple pressure of lips against lips. Comforting, reassuring.

"I know." he says, almost still in the kiss.

Then he smiles.

"Just admit that for once the Wise King was right." he says, smirking.

Merlin laughs, a true laughter that Arthur hasn't heard in weeks.

"Mmm..." he's still chuckling. "Maybe..."

Arthur kisses him again, but this time the kiss doesn't remain chaste for long. They have stood apart for too long.

"Maybe..." Merlin says between the kisses. "We should..."

Arthur leans back a little. He knows Merlin won't focus on them until he has said what he wants.

"What?" he says, a bit exasperated.

Merlin just looks at him a moment, a bit of disbelief on his face.

"Arthur, we must inform Gwen! I don't suppose, before coming here, you said something to her, right?"

Arthur just stares a moment and then wants to hit his head.  
Of course he didn't go to Gwen! He doesn't want to think how long she's been waiting for him.

He reluctantly pulls away from Merlin.

"I must go to her, to explain."

Merlin gives him a brief kiss.

"I think we both should go to her and explain to her and Morgana and Lancelot. They all have been very understanding. It would be rude to not explain."

Arthur groans softly. He was just envisioning a long evening - and night - with Merlin, starting now.

Merlin just laughs.

"Oh, don't be a child!" he says. "You should look at the bright side!"

Arthur throws at him an incredulous look.

"And that would be what? Spending a few hours with our dear friends talking about how foolish _you_ have been?"

Merlin just smiles and his eyes are the clearest and most intense blue Arthur has seen in a while. His breath catches in his throat. He really doesn't want to leave his room now.

"Morgana won't skin you alive since Gwen won't marry someone that is not her or Lancelot!"

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on October 4th, 2010


End file.
